50 Shades of WTF?

E.L. James To Publish Writing Tips

Did you all see that E.L. James is going to publish writing tips? Some delightful people have been making helpful suggestions for her over on Twitter under hashtag  #50tips.

The author will be publishing 50 Shades of Grey: Inner Goddess, a part writing advice book, part journal, on May 1 through Vintage Books. [source: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/03/11/50-shades-of-grey-author-e-l-james-to-publish-writing-advice-guide.html]

Chapter 9, Part 1: Ironic Bathroom Sinks

[My day job is sucking up major time right now so I’m only able to partial recaps for this chapter.]

Chapter 9 beings with the morning after.

Light fills the room, coaxing me from deep sleep to wakefulness. I stretch out and open my eyes.

I’m glad she opens her eyes when she wakes. That’s a good way to start the day. You know, with eyes open. In the daytime. When it’s light outside.

Ana watches Grey sleep, waxes poetic about how handsome he is. She wants to touch him but doesn’t.

She has to pee, walks into what she thinks is a bathroom but, no, it’s Grey’s walk-in closet. She’s intimidated by his wardrobe and then allathesudden realizes she didn’t think about Kate all evening. Oh noes! The 21 year old grown woman didn’t pause her date to give a status update to her roomie! Ana was supposed to text her last night and now she’s going to be in big trouble.

She still has to pee.

I try the other door. It’s the bathroom, and it’s bigger than my bedroom. Why does one man need so much space? Two sinks, I notice with irony. Given he doesn’t sleep with anyone, one of them can’t have been used.

Huh? What’s ironic about two sinks in a master bathroom? Are single home owners not able to use both sinks in their bathroom?  One for hands. One for brushing teeth? Left side on Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Right side on Tues, Thur, and weekends?  I’m having trouble understanding how double sinks could be significant in any way, let alone ironic.

I stare at myself in the gigantic mirror above the sinks.

Let the navel gazing begin! Wait - is there only 1 mirror? Is this ironic, too?

Ana’s abusive subconscious awakes and starts berating her.

Do I look different? I feel different. I feel a little sore, if I’m honest, and my muscles—jeez, it’s like I’ve never done any exercise in my life. You don’t do any exercise in your life. My subconscious has woken. She’s staring at me with pursed lips, tapping her foot. So you’ve just slept with him, given him your virginity, a man who doesn’t love you. In fact, he has very odd ideas about you, wants to make you some sort of kinky sex slave.

ARE YOU CRAZY? She’s shouting at me.

I want to shout at Ana, too, but for different reasons.

Back to navel gazing:

I wince as I look in the mirror. I am going to have to process all this. Honestly, fancy falling for a man who’s beyond beautiful, richer than Croesus, and has a Red Room of Pain waiting for me. I shudder. I’m bewildered and confused. My hair is its usual wayward self. Just-fucked hair doesn’t suit me. I try to bring order to the chaos with my fingers but fail miserably and give up—maybe I’ll find hair ties in my purse.

The first chapter of the book opened with Ana looking at herself in the mirror (with frustration!) blathering on about her mess of hair.

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall! Who is the most vapid of them all?”

Ana is hungry. Grey is still sleeping. She goes the the kitchen and again remembers she forgot Kate. Didn’t she just think of Kate like 3 minutes ago? Right before she peed, washed her hands (I’m assuming she washed up since we didn’t get 3 paragraphs of how her hands looked and felt), and finger-combed her hair.

Ana finds her phone. Kate texted 3 messages:

*RU OK Ana* *Where RU Ana* *Damn it Ana*

Ana calls Kate, leaves a “grovelling” message instead of telling Kate to just chill the hell out.

Angst bubbles up while she’s grovel-dialing her roommate.

…this is so confusing. I have to try to categorize and analyze my feelings for Christian Grey. It’s an impossible task. I shake my head in defeat. I need need alone time, away from here to think.

I get that a newly deflowered virgin would have some remorse or mixed feelings about what just happened. That’s totally normal, right?   That she feels it’s impossible to sort out her overwhelming feelings for Grey, a man she just met and has had 1 or 2 dates with is troubling. It’s obsessive. What also bugs me is that Ana doesn’t act conflicted at all. Every time Grey reveals his fuckedupness or gives Ana a clear out to run back home, she totally ignores it and jumps head first into the next WTF scene. The author is telling us the heroine is conflicted but she’s not showing it.

Anyway…

I find two welcome hair ties at the same time in my bag and quickly tie my hair in pigtails. Yes! The more girly I look perhaps the safer I’ll be from Bluebeard.

Because, really, the first thing you want to do when you’re with someone you think might be a sexual predator (Bluebeard is Grey - don’t ask me, I don’t know) is to make yourself look like a little girl. Being perceived as weak and child-like is always the best way to protect yourself from harm. Am I Rite?

Miss Pigtail grabs her iPod and heads to the kitchen to make something to eat.

I am daunted by his kitchen. It’s so sleek and modern, and none of the cupboards has handles. It takes me a few seconds to deduce that I have to push the cupboard doors to open them.

Cabinet doors are HARD, y’all!

Ana decides to make breakfast. There are lots of eggs in the fridge. She remembers Grey ate an omelet the other day so she makes pancakes and bacon.

Being busy is good. It allows a bit of time to think but not too deeply. Music blaring in my ears also helps to stave off deep thought.

Deep thought is not something Ana is in danger of.

I came here to spend the night in Christian Grey’s bed and managed it, even though he doesn’t let anyone in his bed. I smile, mission accomplished. Big time. I grin. Big, big time, and I’m distracted by the memory of last night. His words, his body, his lovemaking … I close my eyes as my body hums at the recollection, and my muscles contract deliciously deep in my belly.

Look, guys! Her magical virginal hoohaw is starting to have power over Grey. He said no sleepovers, evahr! But here she is.

My subconscious scowls at me … Fucking—not lovemaking, she screams at me like a harpy. I ignore her, but deep down I know she has a point.

Hello, self-loathing inner monologue. It’s been 6 paragraphs since we last heard from you.

There is a state-of-the-art range. I think I have the hang of it. I need somewhere to keep the pancakes warm, and I start on the bacon.

She can master a state-of-the-art stove but she has trouble figuring out a cabinet door?

— See you guys soon with a recap the remainder of the chapter.

azi-raph-ale asked: Your critique is fantastic! Are you carrying on?

Thank you!

I will resume posting soon; work has been hectic recently and haven’t had much free time to post. Look for a new chapter recap this weekend.

theredheadpress asked: 50 Shades of Grey made me lose a little faith in humanity. This blog helped restore it. And for that, I thank you.

Thank you so much for following along and standing in solidarity against crappy books.

Chapter 8: They Fuck and I Don’t Care

Ch. 7 Recap: Grey finds out of his object d’obsession is a virgin.

“I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me,” he castigates me.

“The subject never came up. I’m not in the habit of revealing my sexual status to everyone I meet. I mean, we hardly know each other.”

She was just about to sign a contract that basically gave him control over her life and body but, whoa!, now she’s all “we hardly we know each other” when asked why she didn’t reveal her virginity status.

Has she even been kissed, he asks? Sure. Twice.

“And a nice young man hasn’t swept you off your feet? I just don’t understand. You’re twenty-one, nearly twenty-two. You’re beautiful.”

He runs his hand through his hair again. Beautiful. I flush with pleasure. Christian Grey thinks I’m beautiful. I knot my fingers together, staring at them hard, trying to conceal my goofy grin. Perhaps he’s farsighted. My subconscious has reared her somnambulant head. Where was she when I needed her?

Serious shit is happening right now - she’s got an angry sociopath on her ass (figuratively) but instead of focusing on the important matters at hand, she goes all weak titty over a compliment. And then berates herself for it.

Ana needs to be beat with a self-esteem stick. (See what I did there? That’s a whole lot of fuckery in one sentence! Go ahead, analyze it. I’ll wait.)

Why is she still a virgin, he inquires:

“No one’s really, you know …” Come up to scratch, only you. And you turn out to be some kind of monster. “Why are you so angry with me?” I whisper.

Ummmm…..BECAUSE HE’S SOME KIND OF MONSTER!?

He’s not angry with her but with himself. Would she like to leave?

Naw.

She bites her lip for the 10000000000th time. It drives him crazy.

“Come,” he murmurs. “What?” “We’re going to rectify the situation right now.” “What do you mean? What situation?” “Your situation. Ana, I’m going to make love to you, now.”

They go to his room. Lots of words about clothing or something ensue. It’s too boring to remember.

They undress. He approves of her pubic hair. He gives her insta-orgasm with his mouth. His dick is big. She’s tight “down there”. She has the second orgasm on command. They do it again, doggy-style.

Blah blah boring blah blah bossy dominant blah blah blah blushing virgin blood stained sheets blah blah blah sad Christian.

The end.

I don’t think I’ve ever been as bored by a sex scene as this one and that’s saying a lot. I read a lot of crappy erotica.

Chapter 7: Like A Sociopath To A Victim

The opening line of Chapter 7:

“The first thing I notice is the smell…”

Instead of making a juvenile fart joke here (I’ve got class, y’all!), I’ll remind everyone that the previous chapter ended with Ana telling us that the room looked like something from the Spanish Inquisition. So, no, the first thing she noticed was how the room looked.

Ana gives us a tour of the room, telling us in great tedious detail about the decor. Wood, dark, paddles, whips, chains, feathers, walls, carabiners on the ceiling, blah blah blah.

She’s intrigued and moves into the room to fondle one of Grey’s toys.

“It’s called a flogger.” Christian’s voice is quiet and soft.

A flogger … hmm. I think I’m in shock. My subconscious has emigrated or been struck dumb or simply keeled over and expired. I am numb. I can observe and absorb but not articulate my feelings about all this, because I’m in shock.

Or because you’re not a very good narrator.

The next passage is a clusterfuck of duh.

What is the appropriate response to finding out a potential lover is a complete freaky sadist or masochist? Fear … yes … that seems to be the overriding feeling. I recognize it now.  But weirdly not of him—I don’t think he’d hurt me, well, not without my consent.So many questions cloud my mind. Why? How? When? How often? Who? I walk toward the bed and run my hands down one of the intricately carved posts. The post is very sturdy, the craftsmanship outstanding.

1. She thinks she might be fearful. But not of Grey. We’re not told of what, exactly, she’s fearful of.

2. She has questions - as well she should. Will she actually articulate them to Grey or will she stay in her head and angst about them?

3. The bed post is very sturdy. Does Ana have ADD?

Guess what? Ana actually asks him stuff. Yay, Ana! Breakthrough! She wants to know if he’s on the giving or receiving end.

“I do this to women who want me to.”

I don’t understand.

“If you have willing volunteers, why am I here?”

“Because I want to do this with you, very much.”

“Oh,” I gasp. Why?

Why indeed. After 6 chapters of this book, Grey really hasn’t given us (or her) any reason for liking Ana.  But, OBVS, he wants her. Does he find her sexy? Smart? Charming? Funny? What? We’re not told. I had the same problem with Edward and Bella in Twilight where the only reasons Sparklepyre Edward stated he wanted Bella was (a) she smelled good and (b) he wanted to kill her. Romantic!

I wander to the far corner of the room and pat the waist-high padded bench and run my fingers over the leather. He likes to hurt women. The thought depresses me.

Yes! Ana gets it! She understands - and admits - that Grey likes to HURT WOMEN. She is affected by this revelation; it depresses her. That’s not a good sign. When faced with someone ultra-controlling, who whisks you off to a remote/isolated location, and reveals he likes to hurt women that should be your clue to get the fuck out. Danger, danger, danger. All things point to this guy being abusive. How is she going to safely get herself out of this situation?

“I’m a Dominant.” His eyes are a scorching gray, intense. [Note: isn’t gray a cool color? Can something cold “scorch”?]

“What does that mean?” I whisper.

“It means I want you to willingly surrender yourself to me, in all things.”

I frown at him as I try to assimilate this idea. “Why would I do that?”

“To please me,” he whispers as he cocks his head to one side, and I see a ghost of a smile.

Please him! He wants me to please him! I think my mouth drops open. Please Christian Grey. And I realize, in that moment, that yes, that’s exactly what I want to do. I want him to be damned delighted with me. It’s a revelation.

<facepalm>

Dear Readers, at this point I am thinking about going out and buying a hard copy of this book so that I can throw it across the room. Sure, it’s expensive and a waste of money, but I need the satisfaction.

Ana learns what the deal is.

“So you’ll get your kicks by exerting your will over me.”

“It’s about gaining your trust and your respect, so you’ll let me exert my will over you. I will gain a great deal of pleasure, joy even, in your submission. The more you submit, the greater my joy—it’s a very simple equation.”

“Okay, and what do I get out of this?”

He shrugs and looks almost apologetic. “Me,” he says simply.

Oh my. Christian rakes his hand through his hair as he gazes at me.

Jesus.

Besides having a metric ton of money and being gorgeous, Ana knows virtually nothing about this guy other than he has a secret room where he hurts women and now he’s interested in hurting her. He doesn’t give a shit if she gets anything out of the experience. Great! Sounds awesome! Sign her up!

Kate had said he was dangerous; she was so right. How did she know? He’s dangerous to my health, because I know I’m going to say yes. And part of me doesn’t want to. Part of me wants to run screaming from this room and all it represents. I am so out of my depth here.

SHUT THE FUCK UP, Steele. You just willingly signed up for this shit two paragraphs ago with your stupid “revelation”. He’s dangerous. You admitted that, you recognize that. Part of you doesn’t want to get hurt by this man and you want to run “screaming” out of the room. That’s a serious reaction to a serious situation. Will you run? Will you come to your senses? <sigh> Of course you won’t.

Grey leads Ana out of the “playroom” and shows her the room she’ll be staying in should she agree to all this. She doesn’t get to sleep with Grey when she stays over.

My mouth presses in a hard line. This is what I cannot reconcile. Kind, caring Christian, who rescues me from inebriation and holds me gently while I’m throwing up into the azaleas, and the monster who possesses whips and chains in a special room.

She thinks he’s a monster. Will she run now? Nope.

And what’s with this “kind, caring Christian” bullshit? He (illegally) traced her call, hunted her down at a bar, and took her to his hotel room without her consent. He’s a stalker.

Grey invites her to ask any questions she has, after all she’s signed the NDA so she can’t tell anyone about what just transpired.

The first thing she wants to know about?

“You mentioned paperwork.”

Wouldn’t “Where do you hide the bodies?” be more appropriate?

Readers, lest you think I am anti-kink or equate BDSM with abuse: not the case at all.  I am a fan of boundary exploration and fantasy fulfillment - even stuff that’s rough and messy and edgy - between consenting adults. I love power exchanges and BDSM and all sorts of flavors of safe, sane, and consensual kink. Bring it on!

This story, so far, isn’t meeting my criteria for sane or consensual.  Grey is exhibiting some very disturbing traits that makes me think this pairing with Ana, who knows NOTHING of sex let alone BDSM or even healthy relationships, is dangerous for her.  It’s not at all sexy and reads more like a horror or crime novel than an erotic romance. “No, Ana! Don’t go into the dark house where the serial killer is waiting with his machete!”

Back to the paperwork…

“Well, apart from the NDA, a contract saying what we will and won’t do. I need to know your limits, and you need to know mine. This is consensual, Anastasia.”

“And if I don’t want to do this?”

“That’s fine,” he says carefully.

“But we won’t have any sort of relationship?” I ask.

“No.”

That’s right. The only “relationship” Ana can have with Gorgeous McMoneybags is one where he debases her and causes her harm. She runs away now, right? Nope.

Instead he offers her cheese. She refuses. He insists and “makes” Ana eat. She thinks:

Dominating Christian, it all becomes clear.

After all the warning signs and outright spelling out of his nature/desires, him pushing cheese is the lightbulb moment about him being a dominant. Really?

“Is it easy to find women who want to do this?”

He raises an eyebrow at me. “You’d be amazed,” he says dryly.

“Then why me? I really don’t understand.”

“Anastasia, I’ve told you. There’s something about you. I can’t leave you alone.” He smiles ironically. “I’m like a moth to a flame.” His voice darkens. “I want you very badly, especially now, when you’re biting your lip again.” .

See? He doesn’t know why he wants her! She’s a nothing character! And, btw, isn’t that a line Edtard used on Bella? Or was it the lamb to a lion or something equally cliche?

My stomach somersaults—he wants me … in a weird way, true, but this beautiful, strange, kinky man wants me.

“This man who stalks me and promises to hurt me like the rest of the women he brings here wants me! I swoon!”

She asks him questions: how many women (15), has he hurt anyone badly (no), will you hurt me (yes), has he ever been beaten (yes).

Grey leads Ana to his study and hands her The Rules. It’s a long document; lemme condense:

Ana has to:

• obey him as he sees fit
•  set hard limits on what she’ll do sexually
• get 7 hours of sleep each night
• eat healthfully from a prescribed list of foods (no snacking between meals with the exception of fruit)
• wear what the Dom wants (but she gets a clothing allowance)
• exercise 4 times per week in one hour sessions
• be shaved or waxed at all times
• not do drugs, smoking or drinking
• be monogamous with the Dom

What does Ana object to? Accepting money for clothing.

TOO DUMB TO LIVE!

What does she negotiate? The amount of exercise.

Grey goes over his list of hard limits. Ana becomes uncomfortable when pressed for her list. Surely she has a list, right? Naw. Ana reveals she’s a virgin.

“You’re a virgin?” he breathes.

I nod, flushing again.

He closes his eyes and looks to be counting to ten. When he opens them again, he’s angry, glaring at me. “Why the fuck didn’t you tell me?” he growls.

End Chapter.

I think that went well, don’t you?

Chapter Sex, Er, Six: Fetch The Comfy Chair!

Recap: Christian passionately kissed Ana in an elevator. This was their first kiss.

Christian opens the passenger-side door to the black Audi SUV, and I clamber in. It’s a beast of a car. He hasn’t mentioned the outburst of passion that exploded in the elevator. Should I? Should we talk about it or pretend that it didn’t happen? It hardly seems real, my first proper no-holds-barred kiss. As time ticks on, I assign it mythical, Arthurian legend, Lost City of Atlantis status. It never happened, it never existed. Perhaps I imagined it all. No. I touch my lips, swollen from his kiss. It definitely happened. I am a changed woman. I want this man desperately, and he wanted me. I glance at him. Christian is his usual polite, slightly distant self. How confusing. He starts the engine

James, E L (2011-05-25). Fifty Shades of Grey: Book One of the Fifty Shades Trilogy (p. 80). Random House, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

In the oh, let’s say 3 minutes between getting kissed in the elevator and getting into the car, Ana has become a completely changed woman, y’all! Except, she hasn’t.

* She still has no grasp of reality. She was kissed but doesn’t believe it, assigning it as something “mythical, Arthurian legend, Lost City of Atlantis status”. A first kiss can be something glorious and grand (mine sure was) but the level of disbelief is worrisome. The author is doing the story no favors by trying to convey more time has gone by than actually has. Time isn’t slowly ticking by - she was kissed just a couple of minutes ago.

* I’m not sure why she feels the need to recap the kiss with Grey, especially when it happened merely seconds ago. Her insecurity about every movement, glance, gesture, breath is wearing me down.

* Ana’s confused - a state she’s been in this entire book - about WHAT? That Grey is composed and not completely spazzed out? They kissed. What’s he supposed to be doing now? I don’t understand what she’s expecting of him or what she’s confused about.

In the car ride back to Ana’s place, they talk music. He’s oh-so-eccentric.

Grey takes a couple of calls while in transit. Caller one lets him know the NDA (non-disclosure agreement) has been delivered. The other caller is his brother, Elliot, who apparently nailed Ana’s roommate, Kate. Grey arranges to pick up Elliot when he drops off Ana.

Before Ana and Grey pull up at Ana’s place, Grey says:

“What happened in the elevator— it won’t happen again, well, not unless it’s premeditated.”

James, E L (2011-05-25). Fifty Shades of Grey: Book One of the Fifty Shades Trilogy (p. 82). Random House, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

Premeditated is not a word I associate with kissing someone I’m attracted to. It’s something I - and more sane people - associate with, oh, I don’t know — murder? Yeah, that’s it. Is this a warning bell to Ana? Nope. Neither is the next paragraph:

He pulls up outside my duplex. I belatedly realize he’s not asked me where I live— yet he knows. But then he sent the books; of course he knows where I live. What able, cell phone– tracking, helicopter-owning stalker wouldn’t?

James, E L (2011-05-25). Fifty Shades of Grey: Book One of the Fifty Shades Trilogy (p. 82). Random House, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

This is something that’s angering me about this book: the author’s use of words or actions that are associated with violence, menace, rape, abuse, etc in ways that minimize danger and seek to make someone who’s exhibiting sociopathic behavior as a sexy hero.

“Oh, he’s a rich, brooding stalker. Ha ha ha!” just doesn’t fucking work.

And here’s another example of her questioning EVERYTHING:

Why won’t he kiss me again? I pout at the thought. I don’t understand. Honestly, his surname should be Cryptic, not Grey.

James, E L (2011-05-25). Fifty Shades of Grey: Book One of the Fifty Shades Trilogy (p. 82). Random House, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

I’m not certain if it’s because the book is written in the first person or if the author just sucks but we (the audience) are way too much in Ana’s head. Being that I’m infinitely smarter than Ana, I can’t relate to the perpetual state of confusion nor her inability to actually ask Christian why he won’t kiss her again.  Instead of simply asking him “Why?”, she sinks deeper in the shallow end of the Confused Pool and angsts herself into insecurity oblivion.

Grey escorts Ana to her duplex where Kate and Elliot are awaiting. Kate’s nearly hostile to Grey. Grey’s a dick to Kate and Elliot. Kate and Elliot show some affection towards each other. Ana is jealous. They guys leave.

As soon as the door shuts, Kate grills Ana. Did they have sex? Nope but they are going to Seattle that night. Kate notices Ana is wearing a new blouse. Ana admits she and Grey kissed. Kate drags into her bathroom to give her a makeover which means she shaves her down, apparently.

Ana goes to work. Yawn.

I also have the José issue. He’s left three messages and seven missed calls on my cell. He’s also called home twice. … But I have decided to let him stew. I’m still too angry with him.

James, E L (2011-05-25). Fifty Shades of Grey: Book One of the Fifty Shades Trilogy (p. 86). Random House, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

Jose has called Ana 7 times (and left 3 messages) since last night when he tried to force a kiss on her. Ana showing a tiny bit of smarts is actually angry with him for doing so. What bugs me here is that she’s “letting him stew” which, to me, means he’s the angry one. Letting him suffer would’ve been a better choice because shouldn’t he be full of remorse?

Christian mentioned some kind of written paperwork, and I don’t know if he was joking or if I’m going to have to sign something. It’s frustrating trying to guess.

James, E L (2011-05-25). Fifty Shades of Grey: Book One of the Fifty Shades Trilogy (p. 86). Random House, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

DON’T GUESS. JUST FUCKING ASK HIM. It’s a question. It’s not that hard.

It’s been a couple of pages since Ana self-loathed. What’s up with that? Oh, wait…

Tonight’s the night! After all this time, am I ready for this? My inner goddess glares at me, tapping her small foot impatiently. She’s been ready for this for years, and she’s ready for anything with Christian Grey, but I still don’t understand what he sees in me  …   mousey Ana Steele— it makes no sense.

James, E L (2011-05-25). Fifty Shades of Grey: Book One of the Fifty Shades Trilogy (p. 86). Random House, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

Just ………….. ugh. Can we just deal with Ana’s “inner goddess” <gag> from now on, please?

Grey punctually arrives to pick Ana up for their date. Guess what? They’re flying to Seattle in his helicopter and he’s flying it. I actually think this is kind of cool. This bit of ok-ness is interrupted by one of the stupidest lines in the book.

“You’re safe with me.” He gives me a wolfish grin. “Well, while we’re flying,” he adds, and winks at me.

Winking  …   Christian!  <—- stupid line if you hadn’t guessed

First off: creep alert. Second: Winking Christian! sounds like a dirty sexual position. Alas, it’s just Ana overreacting to nothing.

Obligatory finger mention:

“Here.” He points his long index finger at one of the gauges,

James, E L (2011-05-25). Fifty Shades of Grey: Book One of the Fifty Shades Trilogy (p. 89). Random House, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

Small talk ensues during the 1.5 hours flight to Seattle.

Ana gets lost in her own thoughts about… Jose.

The memory of José’s attempted kiss haunts me. I’m beginning to feel a bit cruel not calling him back.

James, E L (2011-05-25). Fifty Shades of Grey: Book One of the Fifty Shades Trilogy (p. 91). Random House, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

She feels guilty about not calling the guy who tried to force himself on her. Remember a few lines up where I congratulated on Ana for letting him stew?  I take it back.

They arrive safely in Seattle. Before getting out of the helicopter, Grey tells Ana

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You know that, don’t you?” His tone is so earnest, desperate even, his eyes impassioned. He takes me by surprise.

James, E L (2011-05-25). Fifty Shades of Grey: Book One of the Fifty Shades Trilogy (p. 92). Random House, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

That’s kind of nice. We’re seeing a bit of vulnerability to Christian Grey, some emotion, something less than perfect, something that resembles safe and sane. I like it.

“I’d never do anything I didn’t want to do, Christian.” And as I say the words, I don’t quite feel their conviction, because at this moment in time, I’d probably do anything for this man seated beside me.

James, E L (2011-05-25). Fifty Shades of Grey: Book One of the Fifty Shades Trilogy (p. 92). Random House, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

<facepalm>, Ana.

Is this hyperbole or stupidity or naivete? The author is vague here.

The couple enters Grey’s penthouse abode. We get mega descriptions of the decor (stark, white, modern).

They drink wine and talk small.

She asks why he chose to send her Tess.

“It seemed appropriate. I could hold you to some impossibly high ideal like Angel Clare or debase you completely like Alec d’Urberville,” he murmurs, and his eyes flash dark and dangerous.

“If there are only two choices, I’ll take the debasement.” I whisper, gazing at him. My subconscious is staring at me in awe. He gasps.

James, E L (2011-05-25). Fifty Shades of Grey: Book One of the Fifty Shades Trilogy (p. 95). Random House, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

The know-nothing virgin, the wide-eyed confused by everything coed, the OMG-I-kissed-a-boy! chick has laid down the kink gauntlet. I’m not buying it.

Does she even know what debasement is? And isn’t she freaked out that he stalked her, found out her address, sent her an anonymous gift, with the intent of either adoring her or debasing her?

Grey leaves the room and brings back the NDA and the fuckery of all fuckery happens:

“If you’re going for option two, debasement, you’ll need to sign this.”

“And if I don’t want to sign anything?”

“Then it’s Angel Clare high ideals, well, for most of the book anyway.”

“What does this agreement mean?”

“It means you cannot disclose anything about us. Anything, to anyone.”

I stare at him in disbelief. Holy shit. It’s bad, really bad, and now I’m very curious to know.

“Okay. I’ll sign.”

He hands me a pen.

“Aren’t you even going to read it?”

“No.”

He frowns.

“Anastasia, you should always read anything you sign,” he admonishes me. “

Christian, what you fail to understand is that I wouldn’t talk about us to anyone anyway. Even Kate. So it’s immaterial whether I sign an agreement or not. If it means so much to you, or your lawyer  …   whom you obviously talk to, then fine. I’ll sign.”

James, E L (2011-05-25). Fifty Shades of Grey: Book One of the Fifty Shades Trilogy (pp. 95-96). Random House, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

SHE REFUSES TO READ THE NDA AND SIGNS IT because she wouldn’t talk about what happens between them to anyone. She does this even though she is kinda fearful. She does this knowing that “anyone” presumably means the police as much as it means to her best buddy Kate.

“Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?” Holy shit. Did I just say that? His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly. “No, Anastasia, it doesn’t. First, I don’t make love. I fuck  …   hard.

This book doesn’t suck. It sucks … hard.

…Come, I want to show you my playroom.” My mouth drops open. Fuck hard! Holy shit, that sounds so  …   hot.

But why are we looking at a playroom? I am mystified. “You want to play on your Xbox?” I ask. He laughs loudly.

James, E L (2011-05-25). Fifty Shades of Grey: Book One of the Fifty Shades Trilogy (p. 96). Random House, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

Anastasia Steele is too stupid to live.

Grey takes her to the playroom.

He opens the door and stands back to let me in. I gaze at him once more. I so want to know what’s in here. Taking a deep breath I walk in.

And it feels like I’ve time-traveled back to the sixteenth century and the Spanish Inquisition.

Holy fuck.

James, E L (2011-05-25). Fifty Shades of Grey: Book One of the Fifty Shades Trilogy (p. 97). Random House, Inc.. Kindle Edition.

DNF or Tough It Out

At the end of chapter 5 I debated whether or not to finish reading Fifty Shades of Grey. This book is just … terrible. The characters are horrible, the pacing is horrible, the writing is purple prosed to the max. I frequently want to throw 50 Shades against the wall (with frustration!) but, alas, I love my e-reader more than I hate this book.

For those of you who don’t know me: I’m not terribly snobby about books. My collection contains some eye-rollingly craptastic novels that I outright adore despite them being cringe-worthy in nearly every regard. I like wild fantasies. I enjoy reading about kinky sex. I enjoy improbable situations, bizarre heroes and heroines and even overplayed romance tropes. 50 Shades shares a lot of the crazysauce that makes other books work but it fails at really capturing the fun or sexy or silly or outrageous bits that redeem the others. And, well, it’s Twilight fan fic.

That said, I’ve decided to tough it out for at least another chapter or two because … SEX! Chapter 6 begins the sexy stuff and, hooboy, is the copulation of the too-naive-to-live and the not-so-closeted-abuser ever lame!

Instead of live blogging my reading, I’m going to review the chapter in a different way so those of you who aren’t reading along can get more context. My line-by-line review is confusing to some most and, really, is just a mess. Time for a different approach.

On to Chapter 6.